Be easy to yourself

I guess it was last month when I went to see therapist. It was a pleasant experience after 3 years. Towards the end of my recent session, I had a realization that regardless of the circumstances, I tend to limit myself to a single predetermined outcome. An example of this is pushing myself to complete my daily tasks, even when I am exhausted. Each day after work, I feel obligated to prepare my lunch for the next day. However, there are instances when I am truly fatigued and could actually benefit from taking a break and either packing a lunch or eating out. The pressure I put on myself to rush home and cook causes unnecessary stress. It's important to remember that as individuals, we have the power to choose how we relax and yet, paradoxically, this ability to choose can sometimes lead to feelings of depression.

Reading

Reading, I start reading while I am on the train to work. Books can transport you to a different world, allowing you to escape reality temporarily. This world may be filled with magical experiences that can evoke emotions like anger, empathy, and regret. In contrast to the predictability of real life, the story's world offers unpredictability and excitement. I once read a book called "Although the Store Manager Has Little Tendons". The story follows employees working in a bookstore who share a common love for reading. Through books, they can experience and enjoy the lives of others.

Lately, I've been immersed in the book "The Blessing Tree" and have been struck by the complex emotions of the main character, including desperation, regret, happiness, and gratitude. The novel's central concept, the blessing tree, can communicate messages that words alone cannot convey. Artists use their talents to share messages through mediums such as painting and music. Although these works of art cannot be touched, the blessing tree has the power to preserve and convey the message to others. Even if you are not well-versed in music, the musician's emotions can still be felt through the blessing tree.

Sometimes, I become so engrossed in the book that it can trigger sudden feelings of anger, empathy, and other intense emotions. Despite this overwhelming sensation, I feel alive again. AI cannot replicate such powerful words and stories. Sometimes, I become so absorbed in reading that I lose track of time and surroundings. When I finally snap out of it, I realize I have arrived home. If I were to stop reading and gaze out the window, my thoughts would turn to the costs of growing up and the need to remain strong for years to come, often bringing me to tears.

It's painful seeing myself in a vulnerable state, those days when I have no motivation to do anything and even contemplate ending my life. However, if take a chance and begin reading, life may experience a small improvement.

看书，我开始在上班的公车上开始看书。都说书是让暂时遗忘现实到另个世界体验生活。 那个世界还有很多奇幻事件降临，让您感受愤怒、感动、遗憾。 要说人的一生确实无聊，生老病死，就这样，然而书不是这样。之前就看过一本书《虽然店长少根筋》里面的人物就是在家书店打工的工作人员，各个都热爱书籍，原因就在此。感受另个人生活。之前就看过一本书《虽然店长少根筋》里面的人物就是在家书店打工的工作人员，各个都热爱书籍，原因就在此。感受另个人生活。

最近读着《祈愿之树》，开始感觉到一个人的堕落和惭愧，不过同时又有感恩和幸福。里面的祈愿之树更是有神奇的力量可将无法通过语言表达的情感。 画家通过作画表达信息，音乐家用音乐说故事，这些有可能无法用实物记录的心声通过祈愿之树却可传达，即使不懂音乐的人也可懂作家的实体感受。

在火车看着入迷，有时会突然生气，有时又突然感动，情绪波动不断，让我感觉恢复人的身份。这种文字与故事是AI写不出来的。另外，因为过于沉迷，感觉不到自己是在上班的路上，一路看一路到家，一个小时就这样过去。如果停止阅读并只对着窗外发呆的话，会胡思乱想并思考这就是长大的代价，然后莫名落泪还需要待到几十年。

我讨厌人类脆弱的样子，那段忧闷的日子，什么事都不想做，什么书也不想碰，活不下去的情感令人难熬。但是若一时的振作然后投入故事，感觉生活稍有好转。

到底为什么

不知道为什么，突然对一切都觉得无所谓了。 以前会开心每个周六日去外面吃东西，发现新的食物，现在出门不是叫grab就是火车， 坐火车，累，叫grab，贵，而且随便吃个饭都可以一个人RM60，到后来就会呆在家，什么事都没得做。 我担心什么，不知可不可以活过今年。 我昨天试着用手帕绑在颈上，等待窒息，因为不像吊颈，没有那一股力量拉扯，等待的时间太慢了。 大概的感觉就是全血集中在颈，若这时你吞口水或是用力吸气，颈上的力量会更加压迫，到后来我只是睡着了。 想死也很痛苦，我尝试比较这个痛和活着的痛，那个更辛苦，目前还没有答案。 所谓的抑郁症的可怕之处，绝对不是绝望之际寻死，而是明明生活都还不错，不愁吃穿，工作同事都很好，可是 却觉得不行了。到底为什么？我自己也不明白

2023了欸

时间过得很快，其实没人提起我不知道也不在乎，因为每个月的时间过去我在意的只是薪水，这个难道不是正常的吗？ 昨日丢了信，换了新的日记本。有点讽刺的感觉，那一年2020年的日记记载的第一件事就是当初进了这间公司的兴奋还下决心不会离开 结果昨日新的一个日记本里第一个记录的事情是我离开这间公司。其实没什么不好，这间公司，行业什么的我从来不在乎 到后来也许是看太多社交媒体，别人的人生，他们的旅程然后开始羡慕为何他们有那个资金去这里玩哪里玩的 薪水，到后来最快升上的方法就是跳公司。

今年的上半年我可想象不会过的太好，全新公司全新工作内容，需要再花时间重新学习，然后再度过一次的probation， 现在脑海是这个。然后过了以后，还要再准备去考日语了，好忙好忙，好压力。钱，也是个压力。

我看今年应该也不会有太多旅程，因为我的储蓄远远少过我的期望，存着更多钱的才是首要事情。 也许也会和去年一样，一整年只是吃，喝，和摸猫。在社交媒体有人做了影片总结自己去年一整年的事情，我去年还真的 没做什么事。我跟男友说我去年只是吃，喝和摸猫，他问：“那你喜欢吗？”我说：“喜欢阿”，“那你在抱怨什么？你在炫耀吗？你在做着 你想做的事”。有道理，自己高兴就好了吧。我希望今年年尾可以存到我理想的数字。后年去旅行把，忍多一年。

12月尾，抢到了Simple Plan的演唱会，其实我自己没有很喜欢，但是有个地方可以让我喊也许不错，这是有史以来 第一次抢票成功和演唱会。演唱会在3月，至少我告诉我自己再怎么难过也要等到看完演唱会再去死。"You can die at anytime but why now?" 类似这个意思。

希望换工成功，也希望各位可以钱多多，健康快乐，新年快乐！